I Need A Better Poker Face
Seriously. I've had like four different people call me on my facial expressions in the last two days. Apparently it's clear when I think something is BS or when I'm starting to get annoyed. It's not very professional to have a sneer or look of disgust on your face in a meeting, but if someone is just tossing crap around, I'm not going to pretend it's all roses. I'm sure there's a fine line somewhere, but right now I'm just a little too obvious about my emotions.
And this is actually something I've been thinking about for awhile. I'm not sure if it's work or what, but I frequently feel like I'm just holding on to civility and the last smallest ounce of calm I have by my little pinky. I keep feeling that something is going to happen and I'm going to snap. Not go postal snap, but say something outloud that I shoudn't. To my folks, to my boss, or to my customer. I swear I've swallowed a gallon of blood from the times I've bitten my tongue about something. And I guess even though I don't say anything, my face gives it away. So that's still not good.
The irony is that for so long, I learned to mask a significant portion of my emotions. While in the Navy and deep, deep in the closet, I would not look at another guy. I would never do anything that might jeopardize my Navy career. So I learned to mask my emotions. But then I got out of the Navy, came out, and now I don't have to mask my emotions. But I wonder if the problems I'm having are the result of letting down the containment fields in my head (and my heart). I went from expressing no emotions, to expressing too many emotions. Somewhere along the line, I probably should have learned to balance my emotions and how I expressed them. But I didn't.So I've opened the floodgates, but I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with all of this stuff. Shouldn't there be a manual or something? ; )
And this is actually something I've been thinking about for awhile. I'm not sure if it's work or what, but I frequently feel like I'm just holding on to civility and the last smallest ounce of calm I have by my little pinky. I keep feeling that something is going to happen and I'm going to snap. Not go postal snap, but say something outloud that I shoudn't. To my folks, to my boss, or to my customer. I swear I've swallowed a gallon of blood from the times I've bitten my tongue about something. And I guess even though I don't say anything, my face gives it away. So that's still not good.
The irony is that for so long, I learned to mask a significant portion of my emotions. While in the Navy and deep, deep in the closet, I would not look at another guy. I would never do anything that might jeopardize my Navy career. So I learned to mask my emotions. But then I got out of the Navy, came out, and now I don't have to mask my emotions. But I wonder if the problems I'm having are the result of letting down the containment fields in my head (and my heart). I went from expressing no emotions, to expressing too many emotions. Somewhere along the line, I probably should have learned to balance my emotions and how I expressed them. But I didn't.So I've opened the floodgates, but I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with all of this stuff. Shouldn't there be a manual or something? ; )